What makes straight-men tick?

Due to the peculiar asymmetry of the large straight male brain, they tend to think they've thought of everything when they haven't. So they think they know all about gays--and they're sure that you couldn't be gay because (1) you're not effeminate, and (2) you haven't come on to them. So your first job, simple as it sounds, is to convince the straight boy you're interested in that you're gay--without in any way threatening or coming on to him. This will inevitably, eventually cause our subject to ask "What's wrong with me?" But you must be prepared to wait, sometimes for days, for the information first to register, then to percolate through his straight-guy thought processes, before it dawns on him that you haven't come on to him. Throughout this period you can be subtly reassuring him that you think he's a fine person, that you're honored to be his friend, that any girl who'd refuse to date him must be insane, that you have his back, and know that he has yours. Sooner or later he's going to want to know why you haven't come on to him. That's when, eye to eye, and toe to toe, you say, with a stifled sob of utter sincerity, "Joe, I respect you too much." Then you kiss him.